Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
