i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I cockslap morals
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
