shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The best revenge is premature balding
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
