My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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