That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
