Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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