there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
