Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
