Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
