just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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