so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
