a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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