we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
