oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize