Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize