lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize