I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
