dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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