My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
