I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
