I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
