Screwed.edu
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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