Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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