Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
