Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
