I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
