My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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