I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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