Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
this is an emotional support booty call
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
