I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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