Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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