god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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