you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
