i think my mom watched the whole time
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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