allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
