wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
