Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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