I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
