I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
