someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
