I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
