never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
