she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
