Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
