Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
