I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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