YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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