What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
