Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
