Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
