I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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