just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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