DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Come on in and take your pants off
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