i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
