OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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