your room smells of hookers.
And success
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
