dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
