Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
