Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize