Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
