apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She needs sedatives and a leash
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
